Thank God I found the GOOD in GOODbye -Beyonce

How I turned the darkest moments in my life to my greatest testimony and lesson learned.

Disclaimer: I recommend a 19 Crimes Hard “Chard” Chardonnay for this post LOL!

Ironically enough I will never forget Hard Chard is what I bought over to my friend’s house when I found out my ex had cheated on me (again). She has since nicknamed it “Vodka Wine” for its 15% alcohol content and let me tell you vodka wine is exactly what you need after finding out your 13-year relationship was ending, while on a girl’s trip in Mexico, on the phone with your ex’s now new girlfriend.

 Without going into crazy detail (Because the details would put your favorite Tyler Perry movie to SHAME) . I will say this was the first time in life I completely had the rug pulled from under my feet.  I got back to the states to the harsh reality of what was now my new normal. The apartment we once shared was now just a constant reminder of what was, the teenage and adulthood memories were now just that…. memories, haunting memories.  I think I probably spent the first two weeks in a complete daze. I couldn’t eat, sleep, think, or barely even breath.  My therapist referred to it as betrayal trauma, which has the same physical effects as if you were just in a sudden car crash, and that is exactly what it felt like.   I would have never guessed that heartbreak and emotional pain could actually affect you physically. I had to find strength in ways I never knew possible to pull myself out of the darkest place I’ve ever been in life.  This did not come easy, but I will say the first step was realizing:

 “This HAD to HAPPEN”

It had to happen in the painful way it did, and I say that because I would have never been able to step into my greatest potential had I not been forced to

 “Hurt people, Hurt people”

  I can definitely say this was a pivotal message that God revealed to me in MANY ways. It allowed me to shift my focus from “why/how did this happen to me” to “this happened FOR me.”  I was able to dig deeper into the notion that any person that could be so heartless had to be dealing with something much deeper than the surface, and I could not take it personally.

“Go figureeee… You Were the Triggerrrr”

&&& Whew…. the triggers were real. The best way to deal with those triggering moments is to practice mindfulness. This was a big one from my therapist. She would always tell me that it was ok to have my moments but to never stay and dwell in those moments. Have them, acknowledge them, and let them pass.  Mindfulness allowed me to stay in the present moment, not the past or the future but the present. Practicing mindfulness for me could mean something as simple as just acknowledging the people as I walk through the airport for work. What are they wearing? Are they rushing to their gate? What destination are people traveling to?  Realizing anything in the present allowed me to center my thoughts.

Social media was another big topic when dealing with triggers, and the best way to deal with this was to DELETE, BLOCK, MUTE, UNFRIEND whatever and whoever it takes to create that degree of separation.  This is huge in the healing process. Simply put, I couldn’t be triggered or hurt by things I do not see.

 “Beware of the Relapse”

The healing process is NOT going to be linear.  One day you realize all that you’ve overcome, you’re grateful, thankful and everything in life is going well. Then, without warning all of those feelings come rushing back catching you by total surprise and you feel that all of the work you’ve done was in vain. This is the hardest part about healing. It comes in waves and you have to ride those waves. Acknowledge those good days and allow yourself to have those bad ones too.  

 “Support System”

You’re support system is EVERYTHINGGG! I can honestly say I would not have made it, had it not been for my friends and family. It is so important to have a strong circle around you during this time. I had friends that would sit on the phone with me any hour of the day.  Friends that forced me out of the house at times. Friends that left their key under the mat for anytime I just couldn’t be alone. Friends that sent me every bible verse, YouTube video, and every article they could think of. Friends/family who didn’t know what to say but were ready to PULL UP whenever and wherever lol. It has all been a tremendous help to me.

“But God”

At the end of the day it was nothing but God and (Steven Furtick, Michael Todd, and TD Jakes) and a lot of praying and fasting that got me to a place of healing . There was only so much my friends and family could say. There were only so many IG/ Pinterest quotes I could save. There were only so many “self-help” books I could read. There were only so many therapy sessions I could attend. There was only so much wine I could drink. There was only so much crying I could do. There was only so many should’ve, could’ve  would’ve scenarios I could make up in my head. There were only so many trips I could take.  

I had to learn early on that there was no way around the pain, there was no magic pill that would make the hurt go away. The only way to GET through it is to GO through it. You cannot go around it, under it, or over it. You HAVE to sit in those feelings and you have to feel those gut-wrenching moments because no one is coming to save you and that was tough for me. Realizing that ultimately… no one could get me through this but me. I HAD to make the decision that something greater was going to emerge from this. It was NOTHING but God that had to physically pick me up from the floor at times. It was nothing but God that allowed me to see my truest potential.  It was nothing but God that allowed me to never want for a thing in the midst of it all. It was nothing but God that allowed me to pass my hardest semester of Grad school with straight A’s, during a time when studying was the last thing on my mind. It was nothing but God that truly began to show me all that he was protecting me from.  It was nothing but God that allowed me to let go of wanting “revenge” and instead lead with a spirit to forgive.  It was nothing but God that placed so many amazing people and experiences in my life.  Ultimately God showed me: if you let go of the life you thought you wanted, He will take you into the life He has planned for you.